I was always the one to hold on. My “belief” was that they'll change, or come to see who I AM, or they might even pay attention! I would speak in circles over & over & over again and still not be heard or seen. I struggled with my self-worth. In many past lives I had been tortured or abandoned; and my cellular memory knew this. So the karmic theme was already familiar in this life; and it was brought about to be purified and released from that memory bank.
I choose to be an open book…… sharing my fears, loves, desires, passions and soul’s knowing with everyone who wants to listen or connect. I trust that we were all One and that we are all Free. I have always considered myself a free spirit. Then something happened along the way ~ I began to feel very alone. It appeared that going for what I wanted; such as moving to new locations, taking acting lessons, buying my first new car, or traveling around the world to be among others I connect with, for example ~ was considered "selfish" by others expectations. People "in my circle" became very jealous and resentful because THEY didn't have the courage to do what they desired. Or they distorted that what I was doing for my own Soul growth was about them.
So what I then did was allow myself to become very small. I shifted my vibration so that I would be accepted, even though I knew it wasn't right for me. But I was tired of feeling lonely and misunderstood. I lost the inner strength that was such a huge part of what made me who I AM. And I thought that maybe it’s easier to let someone lead & I will just follow and keep my mouth shut.....I mean, what does it matter if I am speaking and they aren't listening, as long as I am 'accepted'….and so that cycle continued for a long time. In fact, I began noticing this when I was just a young girl. My Soul spoke to me when I was in kindegarten, that is when the first experience occurred that I can remember in this life. My Soul awoke me and said, “remember….this is my lesson here now. Release the need for approval. Release the fear that I am not enough”.
And so, I always knew this was my karmic lesson and at times I would ‘conquer’ it and my Soul would shine bright! Now and again I 'succeeded' in many areas that others might only dream of! And then once again attracting others who were envious of who I was; I would allow the betrayal of Self by allowing another to teach me the same lesson again. Even though I "knew" not to look for others for my own self worth and would often hear my Soul speak to me, "Run, Paige….RUN! Everybody doesn’t have to “like” you. Remember the lesson"! In the last few years, I have met several souls who have challenged me to remember this lesson and the contract that was created. Yes, I allowed myself to be the victim of pain. I allowed myself to be abused/ tortured once again…. and I needed to allow this so I would finally release the karmic cycle. I needed to learn that letting go of who and what no longer serves me is a gift. It is a gift that creates freedom of Divine expression.
The door is now closed to that cycle. I am committed to walking my talk. If I don’t know something, I will tell you. If I can’t assist you, I will let you know. But I will not explain myself over and over anymore to anyone who is committed to not accepting their part in the contract they've created, and to their own Soul's expansion. It’s been a long road, and sometimes it doesn’t even feel like it’s been all that long at all. In fact, it feels as if it’s all just a blink of an eye as it’s all the same lesson I heard from my Soul when I was a girl.
When I was a child, someone was always jealous of me for something or other; my looks, talents, family, clothes, boyfriends, whatever. As an adult, surprisingly ~ this didn't involve old boyfriends, or childhood friends, the adult cycle involved those who I believed to be "enlightened" souls or "spiritual" teachers. This was the hardest of lessons for me because this brought up all of the stored memories I had of being abused, abandoned and tortured in the past lives. Especially those memories of having the "gift" of clairvoyance and as an energy medicinal healer, and unpopular advocate. One of my mentors encourages Truth and Discernment. Recently, I sat with this one for a long while. I was reminded that just because someone is awakening, or is psychically gifted, a healer, etc., does not mean that they are yet fully aware. This brought me back to remembering that voice I heard, my own Soul, when I was a girl. Love without attachment. I do not have to repeat the cycle of abuse or abandonment. Yes, I absolutely do have a few guides & mentors of integrity who are in their physical bodies. I also have teachers & guides in non-physical form. And I honor each one of them, as well as fully honor the connection I have with my own Soul.
Drama, denial, mind games, and all that jazz does not work. Following others in hopes they will understand you, see you, or appreciate you, doesn’t work either. Honest and open communication, even if it’s not an easy conversation, is a treasure. Trusting in the Knowing that I AM enough (as are You) and what you think of me is none of my business, is instant freedom. This is how I can BE of service to ALL. This is the ONLY way I can BE of service for ALL, is by Being ME.
And as I sat with this lesson in meditation today, my Mom lovingly came in from Spirit, driving her old orange Volvo, delivering the message, “U R FREE” (that was her license plate)....and she was singing the song from my childhood by Marlo Thomas, ‘’….You and Me are free to BE, YOU and ME”.
And so it is.
In Love, Light & Aloha,